Let me be honest with you for a few minutes.
Because here’s what I’m worried about. I’m worried (like lots of other bloggers) that my internet life is not realistic. I try my best to be down-to-earth and talk about my feelings, but I also usually only share the happy shiny moments of my life here on the blog. And to be sure, my life is full of lovely happy shiny moments, and that’s what I like to focus on. But I never want you to get the wrong impression about my life. (Sidebar: this is both the post I need to write and the post I need to read right now)
I’m not always as positive as I come across on this blog. Case in point: I cry a lot. I sometimes get so frustrated I can’t sleep properly. I get my heart broken. I get cranky and whiny and I sometimes call my mom just to vent at her like a small child. I’m not always graceful, I don’t always take things in stride, I don’t always see the bright side, I complain.
Any photos you like on this blog? I probably don’t like them. There are very few photos I’ve ever taken that I’m completely happy with. I get insecure about my blog often. There are so many drop-dead gorgeous websites out there with the most amazing photography that makes me practically keel over because it’s so beautiful. I worry I write about myself and my own feelings far too much, and that my blog should offer people more concrete information like recipes and book reviews and DIY tutorials instead of just my stream-of-consciousness thoughts.
I’m always feeling like there is more I should do. Better books I should be reading. Cooler TV shows I should be watching. New slang that I should be aware of (I’ve been looking up words on Urban Dictionary a lot lately). More concrete plans for the future I should be making.
I’m not saying any of this because I want you to reassure me or compliment me. Really, I’m not. I’m saying it to prove I’m human. To prove that I hurt and envy and worry and doubt myself just like anybody else. BUT! Us humans, we’re resilient. We can carry both positivity and negativity on our shoulders and come out smiling. I can both love my blog and wish it was better. I can be both jealous of other blogs and inspired by them. I can be disappointed in my photography but still acknowledge how far I’ve come. I can be completely overwhelmed but put my head down and make it through. I can feel the pressure to read an intelligent, important novel, and then turn around and read a book that makes me feel comfortable and happy. It’s a balancing act.
A funny line has come into my head a couple times in the past couple (stressful) weeks: activate coping strategies! For me, that means feeding my needs (food, sleep, exercise, a mental break), writing things out, calling a loved one, taking deep breaths. But just the knowledge that I can be both completely exhausted/frustrated/worried and still care for myself and breathe through it is so comforting. It’s totally a reflection of the aforementioned balancing act: I can still get totally overwhelmed but also realize how much I’ve learned about myself and how to self-soothe.
I’m less than a week away from being done my undergraduate degree. Safe to say, emotions of all kinds (and re: lots of different things) are running high. So, as always, I’m super grateful for this little corner of the internet to help me sift through my thoughts and worries. Much love.