Observations

This is a short but sweet reminder to myself to take my daily walk. Don’t skip it. Don’t weasel your way out of it. Don’t tell yourself there’s no point. Don’t keep staring at your computer screen doing “just one more thing!” Just go outside and take a walk. 

Lately I’ve been feeling stressed by little things, getting sucked into my phone or into unhelpful thought loops about things I can’t control. It’s as if I believe I can control everything if I spend all my time researching or worrying about it. Not only is this boring and unhelpful, it also makes me feel even more anxious, because all I’m thinking about is the anxiety itself.

Last night I was falling down a rabbit hole of research on the internet when my bestie called. I grabbed my phone, put on my shoes, and was at the park within 10 minutes. After an hour walking through the dog trails, soaking in the sunshine, and chatting with my friend, I felt freer. Calmer. I knew things would work out in time. All feelings I would not have gotten to if I’d just stayed home ruminating.

The answer is simple, free, and always accessible. When in doubt, walk it out. 

I always forget just how necessary it is to regularly spend time somewhere different from your normal life. This past weekend a couple of friends and I went to Hamilton, Ontario, for a mini “staycation” retreat. We hold these retreats a few times a year, but this was our first time doing it in a city where none of us lived.

Now, Hamilton is not very far away from Toronto, and it’s not overly different, either! Of all the places in the world you could travel to, Hamilton is more similar to Toronto than it is different from it. And yet we really felt different in Hamilton! We were more open, chatting with people to ask for recommendations, ignoring our phones more often, exploring places in a more relaxed and intuitive way. By the time I got back yesterday afternoon, I felt like I’d really had a vacation.

Being somewhere new brings fresh perspective, even if the city bears some resemblance to where you live full-time. Being out of your normal routine, sleeping in a different bed, meeting different people, learning a new city layout, trying new-to-you food: it all adds up to a bit of a culture shift. It opens up new possibilities. Realizing that tons of people live here, in this city, in these ways, means that you recognize that you could live there too! Or make another big lifestyle change. Or do things differently. Travel teaches us that there isn’t just one way to live. 

I feel like I’ve gotten most of my travel “heebeejeebees” out of my system after the years I spent abroad and nomading around. I like feeling settled, most of the time. But I still crave this feeling of realizing things could be different, of deep-diving into another city’s subculture. It’s nice to know that I don’t have to go very far to experience that feeling. 

This week I decided to try out the service You Need a Budget. I’ve been hearing about it for years but was always skeptical about their complicated system and the idea of paying for a budgeting software. But it had come up enough times lately from sources I trust that I didn’t see the harm in starting a free trial and seeing what it was all about.

Ha! Didn’t see the harm! The harm was the feeling of utter confusion and overwhelm I quickly felt upon opening up the software. The harm was feeling like I was suddenly in trouble from this system (you don’t know me!!) when otherwise I’d been feeling really good about my finances lately. The harm was frustration and anger at making mistakes, doing things wrong, and messing things up even though I was trying really hard to understand.

When I shut it down for the night, I was pretty sure I might never open it again. No wonder I hadn’t tried it in so long: it was a nightmare! Too complicated, too stressful, too strange. Good riddance.

If you’re reading between the lines, you can probably guess that I was in what’s known as The Dip, a concept from Seth Godin. It’s a really good metaphor for the journey towards anything worthwhile: building, creating, or learning something new. There is always a moment on the path when the initial excitement wears off and your progress stalls out and frustration kicks in. It’s the moment where your enthusiasm is lowest and the goal is hardest. It’s the moment where most people quit.

I was in the YNAB Dip! I knew it even at the time. I was trying to remind myself: there’s a learning curve, you’ll get through it! It’ll be fine! You got this! But that Dip is sneaky! It tries to convince you to quit anyways, at precisely the time you shouldn’t. As Seth says: “Quitting when you hit the Dip is a bad idea. If the journey you started was worth doing, then quitting when you hit the Dip just wastes the time you’ve already invested.”

I am happy to report that I did not quit in The Dip. A few days later I decided to watch some YouTube videos on YNAB for beginners and slowly started getting excited about it again. While I still find it frustrating and confusing (my accounts refused to get reconciled!! Argh!), I am learning. I am moving out of The Dip. I am going slowly but surely towards the goal.

This morning I am having another fight with myself. The phrase I keep hearing in my head is said by a whiny, childish version of myself: “I don’t wannnnnnnaaaa.” I don’t wanna sit down and write today. I want a nice break! Don’t I deserve a break? I want one! I’ve earned one!

For a while, my habit was to write from Monday to Thursday, with Friday and weekends off. It hadn’t been very long that I’d committed to writing every day before I took a big break for all the wedding-related activities last week. Meaning that the Friday writing? It’s a little more up in the air, or so my resistance might think.

It feels like resistance can see that it has the biggest chance of winning with me on a Friday. And it’s true! Resistance definitely has the highest chance of convincing me not to write on a Friday, when I’m tired from the week and looking forward to the weekend. I was thisclose to rationalizing my way out of typing these words by affirming that I “need a break” OR deciding that writing every single day was “just too much” and I should go back to only four days a week.

Here’s the thing though: if I’m going to make the decision to reduce my commitment, it sure as hell is not going to happen right before I’m supposed to sit down and write. Talk about biased decisions! If I’m going to choose to change my writing practice in any way, that choice is going to be made at a time of day when I don’t have a writing practice hanging over my head, influencing me one way or another.

I think it’s important for us creatives to recognize where we have soft spots. Where and when are we more vulnerable to our self-destructive tendencies like procrastination, making excuses, laziness, etc. Clearly, one of mine is Friday mornings. Now that I know that, I can armour up against the inevitable inner dialogue that will attempt to convince me to treat myself more than I actually want or need to be treated.

This doesn’t mean never loosening up or adjusting your commitments to yourself. It just means doing so at times when you have less of a stake in “getting out of something” that you’d previously decided would be helpful or healthy for you. Have your own number. Protect your vulnerable spots from yourself, and from resistance.