Life – Page 18 – Life In Limbo

2013: Reach

January 2, 2013

This year, to wrap-up/look forward, I worked through Susannah Conway’s free Unravelling 2013 workbook. I really enjoy taking time to reflect on the year that’s passed and get giddy-excited about the year to come. (Note: I’ve done this with other workbooks, or just in a notebook of my own – it’s not the format that matters to me, it’s the act of actively looking forward that helps me most.)

My favourite exercise was choosing a word for 2013. I had read about having a guiding word for the year before (here and here) and I absolutely loved the idea. I’ve written before about having mantras or words to focus on while running and how much they help me to refocus. So having a word to try and center around this year makes total sense to me.

My word for 2013 is reach.

It’s a word that represents a lot of different things to me, and really captures the types of goals and intentions I have for 2013. I also love that it’s a word that implies autonomy – it’s up to me to reach up and out, it relies on me and my motivation. Reaching is self-driven: I can take it at my own pace, no pressure. Some meanings “reach” has for me, so far:

Reach, stretch, grow. Learn, practice, improve, read, try new things, say yes to things that scare and thrill me, say no to things that drain me.
Reach my potential. Ironically, I really want to stop ‘reaching’ in one sense of the word – I want to stop escaping into my phone, into social media, into the next big plan or idea. In 2013, I want to be more present. I want to be really in each moment and each experience. I want to let go of the desperate need to document every moment to share it with others, instead just letting myself live through it. I want to experience how wonderful something is while it’s happening, instead of realizing that it was special after it’s happened. I want to be more present and connected with the people I love. I want to reach my potential for health – continuing to eat better and exercise regularly. I want to take pride in the things I love to do. I want to notice the magic and beauty of my everyday life. I want to be grateful and fully love my life.
Reach out to others. Keep in touch with my family and far-off friends, more than I do currently. Plan more shared meals and coffee dates. Deepen my friendships. Ask for help, advice, wisdom.
Reach for the stars. Dream big. Stretch out of my comfort zone. Have a Great Safe Adventure. Make the impossible seem possible + plausible. Make it happen, all by myself. (I’m in the early stages of planning a great safe adventure in Europe for this summer/fall. It’s exhilarating and seems magical and distant and fantastical but bit by little bit I’m going to make it a reality.)

2013 already seems magic, and full of life, and bursting with happiness and possibility. It is also a picture that is slowly coming into focus but still holds a lot of mystery and things unknown. Which is why, this year, I’m moving away from setting big goals like I did for 2012. The scope of New Years Resolutions is much too wide for me in 2013. I don’t know where I’ll be in 6 months, so setting goals for the year feels wrong and pointless. It’s also true that for the last few years I’ve felt a bit restless and stuck, so setting creative goals to give me something positive and productive to focus on was extremely helpful and adaptive. Yet more and more, they are beginning to really feel arbitrary and constricting. I am happy with all the things I was able to create and achieve through setting lists of goals (and the joy of crossing things off my lists), but for the moment they don’t appeal to me.

In 2013, I’ll be giving myself a short list of goals or intentions each month. I think it will be good to have the flexibility, and to be able to include the things that are truly exciting for me each month. Normally, my intentions for the year get forgotten, because they can be vague and difficult to measure. But intentions are important, and I think by including some in each list of monthly goals, I’ll actually be able to focus on them and incorporate them into my life.

Here’s to 2013! Here’s to freedom, determination, happiness, beauty, good food, great friends, flexibility, lightness, being kind, stretching, adventures, and great big love. I love you, 2013.

2012

December 30, 2012

Time flew this year. It’s hard to quantify all the beauty, and joy, and growth and love that 2012 had to offer. In truth, not much happened, in the traditional sense. But a lot of little things happened, and they all added up to be important.

I read sixty books, some of them life-changing.
I broke off a relationship that was draining me and I was happily surprised to find that my life totally blossomed.
I practiced my photography every day, and it improved.
I started running again. I managed to run 8K and do my first race.
I learned how to waitress.
I learned how to knit and sew.
I sobbed my heart out a few times, for many different reasons.
I started to figure out how to give myself what I need. Huge epiphany!
I drank a lot of smoothies with spinach in them.
I spent a lot of time alone.
I let myself be creative.
I happily improved some great friendships.
I got excited daydreaming about the future.
I cooked + baked a lot of really delicious things.
I loved 2012.

I’m so excited for 2013!

Holidaze

December 21, 2012

It is so good to be home. There’s something magic about this place, that no matter how hard I try I’m not able to replicate in my little apartment in Montreal. Maybe it’s the kittycats running around, or maybe it’s the all the twinkly lights everywhere, or all the edible goodies. But I think mainly it’s just getting to be a part of my funny and silly and opinionated family. We have fun, and we bicker, and we laugh and there’s nothing like being with them. I’m not home often enough anymore, but every time I am it feels special.

I’ve been spending my post-exam days eating, catching up with friends, taking photos (I’m always inspired by the life in this house), updating the blog little by little (and loving every small change so far), and running errands. I can’t wait for when gifts are all figured out and I can spend a few days just relaxing and reading.

Hope you’re home with your loved ones and having a magical time. xoxo.

Creative Confusion

December 5, 2012

I’m itching to create things. More accurately, I’m itching to know what it is I want to attack and conquer. It’s pretty normal, at this time of year, (exam season) for me to suddenly want to be very creative – it’s a direct product of sitting inside on my butt a lot of the time and engaging in some good old rote memorization. This uncertainty about what to choose, however, is relatively novel. Lately I’ve been doing a lot of casting around (in my brain) for that one thing that I want to do/make/be. I’ve been endlessly inspired by blog after blog, photo after photo, and story after story of people who’ve found their passion and are maximizing it, big time. But I’ve been feeling this strange kind of desperation to figure out what my thing is, so I can start tackling it, making strides towards it, and becoming the best I can be at it.

This inspiration has been wonderful, and buoyant, but it’s also been draining. The thing is, although I definitely sometimes lust after cool things and beautiful stuff that other people have, what I’ve been mainly coveting lately is people’s focused passion. They’ve chosen something, immersed themselves in it, and they’ve become (at least, in my eyes) totally incredible at it. I envy that focus. I know I have drive, ambition, and the willingness to work hard – I could be successful at many things if I put my mind to them, because I value a good work ethic. But my major downfall is not being able to choose what I want to pursue.

Right now, I have friends that are getting into the best law and medical schools in the world, who are interviewing at prestigious grad school programs, who have been offered salaried jobs at huge companies, who are networking their tails off and getting tons of opportunities. And I want to be clear: I’m really and truly happy for them. Many of them seem so excited about their futures and are so driven to achieve their goals. While I don’t want to be on the paths they’re taking, I admit I am jealous of that excitement and drive and focus in their lives. Their skills and experiences have built to something, and they’re following their passion.

In five years, I hope I can re-read this post and realize that all this time, my skills and experiences were building towards something too, something perfect for me. Right now though? It feels like instead of checking things off a to-do list, I’m just drawing squiggles all over a page and squinting to see whether they amount to anything. I know I’ll always be proud of my blog, and my photography, and my work with Leacock’s, and my degree, but currently they all feel like separate, unrelated things. I feel as though, instead of building something cohesive, I have been building a bunch of half-finished piles. As though, instead of getting very good at one thing, I’ve been getting a little good at a lot of things. Sudden epiphany: I now understand the saying “will I ever amount to anything?”!

I know, I know – nobody ever just has the answers. I know it’ll take time, and false starts, and failures, and going back to square one, before I figure out my thing. Reading this article helps. Saying all these things out loud to attentive ears helps. Writing sporadically in my journal helps, and so does making fumbling attempts at all kinds of different forms of creativity to see what sticks. Reading the “About” pages of people that inspire me helps, because the one thing they all have in common is how finding their passion was a long journey. Sharing these thoughts here definitely helps.

I’m off to heed the creative call! I am definitely feeling the urge to document my December in a festive way, so that might be the next project. Have a wonderful Wednesday evening, everyone. Much love.