Life Lessons

Done My Degree!

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“You’re going to be all right. And you’re going to be all right not because you majored in English or didn’t and not because you plan to apply to law school or don’t, but because all right is almost always where we eventually land, even if we mess up entirely along the way..

Just close your eyes and remember everything you already know. Let whatever mysterious starlight that guided you this far, guide you onward into whatever crazy beauty awaits. Trust that all you learned during your college years was worth learning, no matter what answer you have or do not have about what use it is..

You don’t have to get a job that makes others feel comfortable about what they perceive as your success. You don’t have to explain what you plan to do with your life. You don’t have to justify your education by demonstrating its financial rewards. You don’t have to maintain an impeccable credit score. Anyone who expects you to do any of those things has no sense of history or economics or science or the arts. You have to pay your own electric bill. You have to be kind. You have to give it all you got. You have to find people who love you truly and love them back with the same truth..

I hope you will be surprised and knowing at once. I hope you’ll always have love. I hope you’ll have days of ease and a good sense of humor. I hope when people ask what you’re going to do with your English and/or creative writing degree you’ll say: “Continue my bookish examination of the contradictions and complexities of human motivation and desire”; or maybe just: “Carry it with me, as I do everything that matters.” And then smile very serenely until they say ‘”oh”.”

You can read the full article by the oh-so-amazing Cheryl Strayed here. You should also get her book and read it cover-to-cover and cherish it.

This afternoon, I wrote the last exam of my undergraduate degree. That’s it! I’m done! It’s hard to believe that I don’t have another paper to write or studying to do, I’m free from school. And not just for the summer, forever (maybe).

I’m feeling very emotional (normal, for me). The last four years have been educational and inspiring and hard and fun and full of pain and full of love. I have a feeling that that’s what the next four years will be like, and the four after that (and so on and so on), but I also think these four were some of the most important I’ll have. They don’t call them formative years for nothing, right? I got to know some absolutely amazing people and I got to know myself. I will be eternally grateful for the support of my family (I love you all to infinity and beyond) for listening to me rant and looking over my papers and sending me silly SnapChats (a fairly recent phenomenon, admittedly) and writing me emails that made me feel closer to home. I will be eternally grateful for the support of my friends for all the laughs and jokes and willingness to listen to me complain and pep talk me back up, launch into impromptu dance parties and just sit in silence with me while we suffer through some studying (because we know having someone there makes it all better).

Two years ago, I wouldn’t have resonated so strongly with the quote above. But I think the fact that I do now shows how much I’ve grown and how much perspective I’ve been lucky enough to be exposed to. I know I’m going to be okay, eventually. I’m not as scared of the world as I was a year ago, or even a month ago. I’m ready for the next chapter, and all the struggle and happiness it holds for me. I’ll always have the wonderful people around me, and I’ll always have good books, and I’ll always have the ability to see the bright side and find small joys. Happiness is choice! Happiness is a form of bravery!

It’s been grand, undergraduate degree. Thanks for the memories! xoxo.

Real Talk

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Let me be honest with you for a few minutes.

Because here’s what I’m worried about. I’m worried (like lots of other bloggers) that my internet life is not realistic. I try my best to be down-to-earth and talk about my feelings, but I also usually only share the happy shiny moments of my life here on the blog. And to be sure, my life is full of lovely happy shiny moments, and that’s what I like to focus on. But I never want you to get the wrong impression about my life.  (Sidebar: this is both the post I need to write and the post I need to read right now)

I’m not always as positive as I come across on this blog. Case in point: I cry a lot. I sometimes get so frustrated I can’t sleep properly. I get my heart broken. I get cranky and whiny and I sometimes call my mom just to vent at her like a small child. I’m not always graceful, I don’t always take things in stride, I don’t always see the bright side, I complain.

Any photos you like on this blog? I probably don’t like them. There are very few photos I’ve ever taken that I’m completely happy with. I get insecure about my blog often. There are so many drop-dead gorgeous websites out there with the most amazing photography that makes me practically keel over because it’s so beautiful. I worry I write about myself and my own feelings far too much, and that my blog should offer people more concrete information like recipes and book reviews and DIY tutorials instead of just my stream-of-consciousness thoughts.

I’m always feeling like there is more I should do. Better books I should be reading. Cooler TV shows I should be watching. New slang that I should be aware of (I’ve been looking up words on Urban Dictionary a lot lately). More concrete plans for the future I should be making.

I’m not saying any of this because I want you to reassure me or compliment me. Really, I’m not. I’m saying it to prove I’m human. To prove that I hurt and envy and worry and doubt myself just like anybody else. BUT! Us humans, we’re resilient. We can carry both positivity and negativity on our shoulders and come out smiling. I can both love my blog and wish it was better. I can be both jealous of other blogs and inspired by them. I can be disappointed in my photography but still acknowledge how far I’ve come. I can be completely overwhelmed but put my head down and make it through. I can feel the pressure to read an intelligent, important novel, and then turn around and read a book that makes me feel comfortable and happy. It’s a balancing act.

A funny line has come into my head a couple times in the past couple (stressful) weeks: activate coping strategies! For me, that means feeding my needs (food, sleep, exercise, a mental break), writing things out, calling a loved one, taking deep breaths. But just the knowledge that I can be both completely exhausted/frustrated/worried and still care for myself and breathe through it is so comforting. It’s totally a reflection of the aforementioned balancing act: I can still get totally overwhelmed but also realize how much I’ve learned about myself and how to self-soothe.

I’m less than a week away from being done my undergraduate degree. Safe to say, emotions of all kinds (and re: lots of different things) are running high. So, as always, I’m super grateful for this little corner of the internet to help me sift through my thoughts and worries. Much love.

22

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Today I turned 22.

I have had such a lovely weekend. I’ve seen so many great people, heard from so many people I care about, and had a few nice surprises. A few: claiming balloons left behind at work, a rose-petalled-covered cake, getting an *adorable* home movie of my sisters singing me “22” and then being hilarious, getting a paper done in a short burst of productivity this afternoon, receiving some sweet cards with sweet words.

If you’re lucky and you know it, clap your hands. (I’m clapping).

It was a wonderfully low-key, perfect birthday filled with all the things one needs.

I realized today that I didn’t make it to the end of my 22 before 22 list, but I’m okay with it. The point of those lists is always to push me to try new things and challenge myself, and I did that a few times over this past year. Most of the things I didn’t get done are things that I sort of chose arbitrarily. But the things I did get done – most of them are really important to me. The book club, the podcast(s), being a penpal, running a race, even making sushi – those were all great experiences that stand out to me from this past year. I haven’t yet decided if I’m going to make a 23 before 23 list (spoiler alert: PROBABLY), but if/when I do it’s going to include more of those kinds of creative projects, more things that bring me closer to other people, more trying new experiences that seem impossible.

I watched this TED Talk today that just perfectly sums up the sort of attitude I’m trying to cultivate in my every day life. Going into 22 I want to be more grateful, and less bitter or angry. I want to complain less. I want to be more generous – not just with money, but with love and patience and understanding. I want to be more clear about what I need, and be more direct with people. I want to pay attention. I want to be better, I always want to be better.

I also want to read more (always) and run more and talk to my family more and take more photos and see new places and be more inspired and laugh a lot. All these things are possible!

Thankful, as always, to have a place to just be myself and share my thoughts. Merci. Je vous aime.

Taking My Own Advice

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Whoa girl.

Ever have one of those days where you feel overwhelmed and lazy and bored and paralyzed and bad all at the same time? That’s today. It was a fun, kinetic week: one of my best friends was visiting which meant lots of long dinners and watching Human Planet every night and talking a lot and being laughing fools. It was also a crazy week for me at school – I had two midterms and a paper due, and managed to get to every class. He just left this morning and I had a very small panic attack when I got home to a too-quiet apartment and realized all the things I have to do and all of the energy I don’t really have to do it with. I am facing a full weekend at work, two midterms next week, and the nonstop blowing snow outside. Needless to say, I am not in a great mood.

Why am I writing all this, doing all this complaining? I can’t say, I think I just need to get it out so I can process it. I don’t want it to sound like I’m feeling really negative about my life, because I’m not. It’s just that when overwhelm sets in, as you all know, it becomes so difficult to breathe through it and put things in perspective. It is so hard, when things feel like they’re piling up, to tell yourself: “hey girl, you made it through this crazy amazing stressful wonderful week in one piece and it was grand on all counts – you deserve a little break”. Nope, instead it’s much easier to keep pushing and pushing and try to avoid feeling like I’m falling behind. But I’ll run myself into the ground that way.

As I was writing the above paragraph, I was reminded of a post I wrote about a year ago. I looked it up just to see and BOOM BOOM POW there it was: all the things I needed to tell myself today. It looks like it was the same circumstances for me when I wrote it back then: I’d been doing great, hitting all the high notes, going full steam ahead when I suddenly needed an off day. It feels awesome to be starting to recognize these patterns for myself.

When I wrote it, I called it Today, Be Gentle, and I think I’d better take my own advice. Take a look at the post, maybe some of the words will hold true for you too. Here’s a little peek:

So today, be gentle. You’re doing your best. Don’t berate yourself for not doing enough, for needing a nap, for sleeping in a bit too late, for not hitting your most important goal-of-the-day right off the bat, for eating too much or too little, for not exercising enough or too little, for not being perfect today. Be gentle. Take a minute to take stock of the positive things you’ve been doing lately. Make the voice inside your head that of your mom, or your best friend, telling you that you’re doing such a good job. There’s no rule saying that you have to bust your butt until Friday, and then have downtime. Maybe Wednesday is the low, stagnant point in your week – that’s fine too. So take it easy today. Be quiet, be still. Be gentle.

As always, thanks for listening. I always feel like we’re all muddling through this in limbo life together and it’s totally terrific. I probably just need to go make a hot cup of tea, curl up in bed and watch an episode of a silly cooking competition show and I’ll be right as rain. Have a happy Thursday and stay warm!

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