Here’s Hoping

Today was rather melancholy. It consisted mainly of solitude: sad, weepy solitude, and pensiveness. Like Dumbledore. Oh, forget it.

I spent the day not doing a lot: woke up late, watched some Rich Bride Poor Bride. Cool fact! The episode I watched was of a wedding held at the same venue as my cousins’ wedding! I was there people! I had no idea it was a Canadian show but maybe that entire channel is Canadian and I am just oblivious. I emptied the dishwasher and vacuumed the front hall (Jasper is shedding like mad) and sprayed that poor puppy’s hotspots with some menthol spray that I actually don’t mind the smell of. Updated my iPod and set up my hard drive, whose name is Lacie.

Then I commenced what is possibly one of the saddest things I have ever done. I started cleaning and unpacking my desk/plastic sets of drawers, which of course were full of letters and notes and memories. There was music playing in the background and every song had a meaning for me, every song had a memory. I was getting overwhelmed at the thought of leaving my bedroom, my home, my family to start a brand new life, bringing only certain items with me. I started of course also getting hysterical, wondering about my future, what to bring, what to leave behind, what to throw out, did I do high school right, am I a bad friend, will I make the right sort of friends next year?????? All that funky jazz. It was exhausting to say the least, and I was in and out of periods of weepiness.

I spoke with my best friend Omar a couple times throughout the day, and he was feeling much the same way, not wanting to uproot himself once again after already making two big moves in his life: once from India and another time from Cairo. We were both upset.

I set up a new printer today that my mom got me; it also prints pictures (not well) and functions as a scanner, yippee! It’s white and cute. I am still trying to think of its name, so let me know if you have any ideas. We had dinner, chicken a la king but instead of chicken it was tilapia a la king. It was absolutely delicious.

After dinner, me and my mother had a breakdown together, she more than I this time. She’s really upset that I’m leaving.

I went to pick up Omar, and we came back to my house and (among other things) checked out apps for his phone, drank, and watched Planet Earth with my mom and sister.

All in all, it was a day. I gathered many necessary items together and put them in our spare room, so it gives me some sort of feeling of accomplishment. Which is actually nice, because I am constantly feeling like I’m forgetting something important. Here’s a little pic of my collection thus far: (!!!)

Photo 76

Anyways. I had a mostly good day. Here’s hoping that tomorow will be less stressful, and I’ll be gtd. Once again, I must continue working on my 101/1001 list, because I need it to be ready for when I leave. G’day folks!

xoxo S.

Closing Time

I’ve been thinking a lot about how things are about to change drastically in my life. I used to dream about this moment: glass of wine in my hand, typing on my very own laptop, preparing to start the grand adventure that is my life at university. But somehow, it doesn’t feel like I thought it would. Not at all. I didn’t think it would be so stressful, so melancholy or so hurtful, to realize that so many different segments of my life are ending, and that my relationships with those I love most are never going to be the same. Ever. I was shelving books yesterday and I realized two things painful: one, I would have to give up my beloved job, and two, I saw a book called ‘Friday Night Dinners’ and realized that never again will I have the kind of relationship with my mom where I’ll come home on a Friday and have dinner with her. I always loved Fridays and even though I almost always went out, I almost always wanted to stay in. Which got me to thinking about how sad I am that I feel like I’ve gone and wasted my youthful years with my family. I haven’t spent as much time with them as I should, I know that. I haven’t always been in the best mood or made the right decisions regarding them. I haven’t been the best friend I could be, or best person, or best sister or daughter or granddaughter. I do try. But life is hard, I’ve found, and I’m still trying desperately to get the hang of it. Conflicting priorities, extenuating circumstances, emotions and hormones all lead me to choices that while not wrong, are not always quite right either.

I realize, obviously, that there is always room for improvement. Of course. And I try to self-assess as much as possible and fix issues outstanding. It’s hard to please everyone, I’ve learned that much. And when it comes down to it, you have to figure out who it is that is most important that you please. I catch myself in bad moods, saying I can’t help feeling how I do. And while that is true, to a point, I can always try harder. My best friend word-vomited that ugly truth last night via text: ‘Ask yourself. Is it really worth it.’  He clearly knows me better than I do, and I can admit that he’s right. It’s not worth it to be in a stupid mood. I can try harder. I don’t have to always be like that. Going forward into life, I need people who will love me no matter what, but also be willing to help me change for the better. I am open to change for the better.

Also in this hullaballoo of stress is entangled many administrative choices. Doctor’s appointments, hair dresser’s, banking information, setting up a credit card, choosing a new phone, finding the best software for my computer, sending in legal documents and forms, signing leases, health card information, going shopping for my dorm room (still exciting, even among the stressful things). There is not only so MUCH to do, there is so little time to do it in, while desperately trying to fit in time with the family, friends, doggie. :)

And all at the same time, I have to stress about my future. Choosing the right courses to be able to enter the program I want, thinking about frosh and how to choose the one that will best represent me, thinking (although much too far in advance) about jobs for the summer, housing for next year and semesters abroad. And all at once, trying not to get overwhelmed and stick to my guns. Making sure I am still representing the person inside of me. Making sure that when I get to school, I am prepared to show the world my true colours, be ready and open to new ideas and people, and making sure I make decisions that truly reflect who I am. Which includes even little things like the phone I choose.

To the outside observer, you might think that I am stressing too much. I know I am. I am overthinking (my tragic flaw, unfortunately), stressing, analyzing, deconstructing. I have so much to do that I am not doing it. Not planning my time so I can spend time with the people I’m going to miss most. I have to try and conquer that.

Over the next couple weeks, I am going to experience some strange things. This will be the last time I sleep in my bed without being somewhat of a stranger. It won’t be my house. My interactions with my family from here on in will be completely different. Soon, I’ll have to be grown up, supporting myself, cooking for myself, working for myself. I am so thankful that I have supportive parents, willing to help me in any way that they can on my journey. I love them to pieces.

As I begin to say goodbye to my current life, I begin to slowly and incrementally get excited for my new one. New address, friends, international contact, amazing people and city. One step closer to my dreams. I couldn’t be happier. Or more terrified.

London Fog

So tomorrow is the big day. We take off (hopefully) at approximately 8:50 in the morning. No, it’s not ideal. But since we are flying standby to take advantage of a serious discount, we wanted to be sure to get on a flight, and this one (obviously) is wideeee open. Hopefully that means we’ll get to fly first class! My friend ‘I’ said she got a first-class pod on her way over a couple of weeks ago so we’ll keep our fingers crossed. :)

I finished packing a few minutes ago and it was remarkably painless. Of course, when packing is painless it always makes me feel like I have forgotten underwear or something else major. But no, this time I worked in sections, flitting from the bathroom and organizing toiletries to my bedroom, weeding out unnecessary clothes, packing my carry on, fixing up my wallet and separating out my liquids for the plane. Now that I think of it, it was sort of a chaotic way to pack, just moving wherever I felt like and abandoning projects that didn’t work at the time. Eventually I got everything in to its appropriate places and did it with room to spare. I have plenty of room in my suitcase for food, new clothes, souvenirs, more new clothes! I’m bringing one suitcase (looks like a duffel bag but has wheels and is rather ingenious), one backpack as my carry on, one over the shoulder bag for travel and to use during the day sightseeing, my purse (big boho style bag) and one clutch. Or maybe two. I can’t decide between them. I tried to pack fairly light, mostly nice tops, dresses and skirts and some shorts/t-shirts for the sightseeing parts of the day. I hear London is quite posh in dress (I can’t remember from when I was there last) and especially for the theatre and restaurants, it’s important to look nice. So, that’s that!

Since the last post I made on the subject, I have taken some proactive measures against the conflicts that are sure to arise. I created a powerpoint presentation (yes, nerd, yes) highlighting (via cartoons from Bitstrips) the consequences of not planning out our trip vs planning our trip! We also made sure to list absolutely everything we wanted to do in London and made some compromises etc etc. I typed out a loose itinerary for the week and we’re doing everything we want :) This includes but is not limited to: Buckingham Palace, Changing of the Guards, British Museum, V&A Museum, Chicago, Sister Act, Camden Lock Market, Trafalgar Square, Little Venice, Picadilly Circus, Oxford Street..so many fun and interesting things. I am so excited to go because I think I will really appreciate the city this time around. Last time I went to Britain we were in London for a week and then Wales for three. Also, I was younger, but really what I remember most was the Wales, our relatives, etc. This time around I have my camera, my friends, my style sense. I am ready to be Taking London!

I might try to type some posts on my friends computer (not bringing my baby to London haha) or else I will just blog blog blog when I get home. Also: stay tuned for my review of the Beyonce concert! :)

Wish me luck and bon voyage, I’m going to have the time of my life. :)

Love, s.

Londontown!

So the latest news in my usually quiet life,  is that in a week and a half, I’m going to London, UK with my two best girlfriends! Charmed life. One of those two, let’s call her I, is lucky enough to own a London apartment that she has now not lived in for over ten years. How lucky are we! I kid you not. To top that off, her mother is a flight attendant and can therefore by flying with us get us all a deep discount on the flight. Basically, it is an amazing opportunity, since there is no guarantee I will ever again get such cheap flights to Britain.

There is one small catch: the kind of catch worth blogging about, I think. This particular catch (not including the other catch which is that our third best girlfriend may be unable to take time off work and come with us) is that my other best friend, let’s call her L, has a bit of a control problem, at times. As well as currently a money problem. Basically what this means for me is frequent frantic phone calls, slightly stressing about how much time she should take off work, when we’re going to plan this, freaking out, etc. The problem arose when last night I realized that if we were to do this trip, and she were to be stressed, anxious, rushed and broke the entire time, she would likely be cranky. Which would make me cranky. Which would make I overcompensate and try to keep the peace (which gets annoying in itself). Which would make the trip unenjoyable for all. We had a lengthy phone argument, which resulted in L getting extremely upset and hanging up on me. So. I feel extremely bad about it, because I can’t blame her for being stressed. It’s stressful!

I am now faced with the current situation. There is no backing out of this trip, not that I really want to, and yet I also do not wish to be rushed or complained to for a week abroad. So what to do, what to do. Since I know my friends so well, I know the best policy is likely proactiveness, setting rules, setting out a plan in case of conflict. Planning out what we want to do when, so as not to create problems in the moment. Deciding exactly where everyone wants to go and making sacrifices based on those decisions, so that everyone is happy. Putting agreements in place to ensure no unnecessary arguments. Showing up with a smile on my face and a positive attitude, ready to compromise and stand my ground, not get aggressive or angry, not get moody and enjoy myself no matter what. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity after all!

..Easier said than done.

Wish me luck!

S.