Is It Worth It?

January 29, 2011
by Stephanie Pellett
4 min read
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I had a big fight with my boyfriend a couple weeks ago. It wasn’t anything major, but tempers ran high and we were upset. In the subsequent days, when I had time to think, I realized that most of all, I felt tired. I didn’t want to have fights, I didn’t want to get upset, I was exhausted from feeling all these feelings. I questioned, as all couples do, if it was worth it. “It seems like we fight all the time”, “What’s the point of all this?”, “Why are we doing this to ourselves!?”.

It’s so easy to say those things in the aftermath of all sorts of bad feelings and really feel that you mean them. We tend to forget the wonderful experiences when we’ve felt uplifted and alive and honoured. We get ready to give up on the relationship the second it makes us feel badly.

While I was in this state of funk, I texted my mum. I told her we’d had a big fight, and she could tell I was down. After getting some of the details, she wrote something that made me stop, breathe and re-center:

Nothing worthwhile is easy.

It’s true, isn’t it? Things that are easy might be nice, and pleasant, and maybe even fun, but usually they’re not important & worthwhile. Of course, there are probably a few examples of worthwhile things that seem easy (not that I can think of any right now). I would argue though: were they without any negative emotions? Without feelings of doubt, fear, anger, hopelessness, etc? Although, of course, most human experiences have negative emotions, I think it’s harder to stick with worthwhile ones, because they require so much more work than other experiences. Wouldn’t it just be easier to turn to friends-with-benefits scenarios instead of engaging in serious relationships, to eat tasty junk food instead of learning to nourish yourself, to hang out with friends that only talk about superficial things? Yes. It would be easier. But would it be worthwhile?

????worthwhile |?w?r??(h)w?l|
adjective
worth the time, money, or effort spent; of value or importance : extra lighting would make a worthwhile contribution to road safety.

You might have an easy relationship, but if it’s always easy, it’s probably not giving you much that could be considered of value or importance. Of course, this would depend on what you personally would define as valuable in a relationship, but for me: trust, understanding, inspiration, acceptance, communication. Those are things I believe are worthwhile, and consequently I don’t believe you can achieve any of those things without some effort, time, conflict and difficulty.

Think of a few things that you would consider worthwhile, important, valuable. Friendships? Volunteer work? Campaigning for something? Maintaining personal values? Nothing worthwhile is easy. Worthwhile things are wrought with struggles, frustration, negative emotions. But that doesn’t mean we should give up on them. It doesn’t mean that we should throw in the towel on a boyfriend or best friend just because there’s conflict. That’s the whole point: these things are worth it. Which means that working through the hard times will pay you back in great times.

To a certain extent, we all know this intuitively. When we really believe in something, we’re willing to fight for it against adversity, to defend it against criticism, to work for it because we know in the end it will be worth it. This is just meant as a reminder: are you considering giving up on something that might end up being worthwhile?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the matter!

xoxo,

Closing Time

August 7, 2009
by Stephanie Pellett
5 min read
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I’ve been thinking a lot about how things are about to change drastically in my life. I used to dream about this moment: glass of wine in my hand, typing on my very own laptop, preparing to start the grand adventure that is my life at university. But somehow, it doesn’t feel like I thought it would. Not at all. I didn’t think it would be so stressful, so melancholy or so hurtful, to realize that so many different segments of my life are ending, and that my relationships with those I love most are never going to be the same. Ever. I was shelving books yesterday and I realized two things painful: one, I would have to give up my beloved job, and two, I saw a book called ‘Friday Night Dinners’ and realized that never again will I have the kind of relationship with my mom where I’ll come home on a Friday and have dinner with her. I always loved Fridays and even though I almost always went out, I almost always wanted to stay in. Which got me to thinking about how sad I am that I feel like I’ve gone and wasted my youthful years with my family. I haven’t spent as much time with them as I should, I know that. I haven’t always been in the best mood or made the right decisions regarding them. I haven’t been the best friend I could be, or best person, or best sister or daughter or granddaughter. I do try. But life is hard, I’ve found, and I’m still trying desperately to get the hang of it. Conflicting priorities, extenuating circumstances, emotions and hormones all lead me to choices that while not wrong, are not always quite right either.

I realize, obviously, that there is always room for improvement. Of course. And I try to self-assess as much as possible and fix issues outstanding. It’s hard to please everyone, I’ve learned that much. And when it comes down to it, you have to figure out who it is that is most important that you please. I catch myself in bad moods, saying I can’t help feeling how I do. And while that is true, to a point, I can always try harder. My best friend word-vomited that ugly truth last night via text: ‘Ask yourself. Is it really worth it.’  He clearly knows me better than I do, and I can admit that he’s right. It’s not worth it to be in a stupid mood. I can try harder. I don’t have to always be like that. Going forward into life, I need people who will love me no matter what, but also be willing to help me change for the better. I am open to change for the better.

Also in this hullaballoo of stress is entangled many administrative choices. Doctor’s appointments, hair dresser’s, banking information, setting up a credit card, choosing a new phone, finding the best software for my computer, sending in legal documents and forms, signing leases, health card information, going shopping for my dorm room (still exciting, even among the stressful things). There is not only so MUCH to do, there is so little time to do it in, while desperately trying to fit in time with the family, friends, doggie. :)

And all at the same time, I have to stress about my future. Choosing the right courses to be able to enter the program I want, thinking about frosh and how to choose the one that will best represent me, thinking (although much too far in advance) about jobs for the summer, housing for next year and semesters abroad. And all at once, trying not to get overwhelmed and stick to my guns. Making sure I am still representing the person inside of me. Making sure that when I get to school, I am prepared to show the world my true colours, be ready and open to new ideas and people, and making sure I make decisions that truly reflect who I am. Which includes even little things like the phone I choose.

To the outside observer, you might think that I am stressing too much. I know I am. I am overthinking (my tragic flaw, unfortunately), stressing, analyzing, deconstructing. I have so much to do that I am not doing it. Not planning my time so I can spend time with the people I’m going to miss most. I have to try and conquer that.

Over the next couple weeks, I am going to experience some strange things. This will be the last time I sleep in my bed without being somewhat of a stranger. It won’t be my house. My interactions with my family from here on in will be completely different. Soon, I’ll have to be grown up, supporting myself, cooking for myself, working for myself. I am so thankful that I have supportive parents, willing to help me in any way that they can on my journey. I love them to pieces.

As I begin to say goodbye to my current life, I begin to slowly and incrementally get excited for my new one. New address, friends, international contact, amazing people and city. One step closer to my dreams. I couldn’t be happier. Or more terrified.

How’s Mars?

July 20, 2009
by Stephanie Pellett
3 min read
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I have been thinking/discussing recently the major (and ridiculous) differences between males and females. It’s astounding! As I’m currently in a relationship after some time of being single, I find myself once again shocked and frustrated by some of the things that go along with being struck by that darn arrow. First things first, the buzz can wear off pretty darn fast. Secondly, trying to read another person is like trying to decipher ancient mandarin by using hot chocolate powder. Oh sure, most body language is readable. Most sentences can be easily deconstructed. But when it comes to the opposite sex, when all mangled up with your screwed perceptions (screwed by ‘love’, of course) it becomes nothing short of impossible. Yet, being the woman that I am, I always still assume I have some idea of what men REALLY mean (never true) or what they REALLY want (usually wrong). So I go ahead and judge the situation, which may or may not shift my mood, which may or may not cause an issue with the other person. Confusing, frustrating, stupid.

Talking about this with one of my favourite people, we realized we are the same way: both insufferable overthinkers. We overanalyze every minute detail of a conversation, assume, accuse, apologize. The only solution we can think of to solve this very grave problem of personality traits is to check oneself. Everytime we catch ourselves overthinking, we must tell ourselves to halt this process before it becomes an issue. Again, easier said than done.

That’s one key difference then between males and females. I am extremely perceptive and sensitive, and therefore quite emotional. The man I’m with, however, is very unemotional and has a difficult time expressing his emotions, like many men. My friend remarked today that this, unfortunately is the case in the majority of the male sex..they are consistently taught not only not to cry, but really not to express any other emotion in words. Suppression is just as harmful to a relationship as is overexpression. A balance is required, but with neither party usually able to comply, it ends up being a relationship of two poles. The female, emotional side, and the male, stoic side. Opposites attract, but when problems occur and emotions rise, you end up with one person crying and the other silent and frustrated. It’s terrible!

I read a very significant quote the other day that makes light of the situation and yet still rings true:

“Male emotion is like female sexuality. You can’t go too fast too soon.”

Sexist? I disagree. I think that the female requires a feeling of validation in some way before she will feel comfortable getting sexual, and so maybe that is the little piece I am missing..Maybe the man requires much more of the validation of his character, assurance that you really like him, more familiarity with you, before he is able to express himself properly with you. Something to think about definitely. It makes so much sense when you work the analogy backwards!

One thing’s for sure: if only emotional chemistry was as easy as physical chemistry. Relationships would be a breeze!